Jet lagged, by Hilary
What if I were all fearless. Totally and unconditionally fearless. What would I do?
I have heard something like the following said, “the crazy people of the world are the one’s that become rich or famous, the rest of us just stand by in admiration.” Or something along those lines.
I don’t care of I am rich or famous but what I do care about is living a passionate life. One that is open and full of art and music and love and friends and creativity. I feel like I’ve spent most of my life wanting to be that but then always at the last-minute, pulling myself back. Holding my breath and quietly shutting the door again, tip toeing backwards knowing I’ll crack it open again soon and peek through it… then shut it.
When I was a girl I grew up in a crazy house. My Dad was gone and my Mother brought us up on her own for a while in the early 70’s. We lived in Iowa and we were poor. She was an uneducated woman doing what she had to do to feed her family. Even in her struggles throughout life she was always living it very loudly. She was unique and independent and scared and strong and loved her children. She was an inventor and as we grew older she became more and more eclectic. So as our house grew more bizarre and demented with her invention, teenaged men surrounding her and loads of alcohol and drugs, I struggled for normalcy in whatever way I could get it. We were the weird house on the block. The one that parents did not let their children come to and took pity in longing glances at my brother and I as we walked down the street. So as a troubled teenager all I wanted in this world was just to be normal. Find a normal house with a normal family, a normal man and live a normal drama free life.
Well…. didn’t really quite happen that way and my life has been anything but normal but what I realize as I get older is that even if on the outside my life has not been a typical one, I still struggled for that sense of security and normalcy on the inside . Mostly showing itself in the form of my career and the need for a sence of financial stability. Okay… so that never really came either but in my fight for all of it, I find myself at 42 craving for something different. Craving and pleading with myself to come out and really see the world. Live life and feel everything and live passionately, and stop being so scared. Whatever that means. I want to sing and write and cook and laugh and not let another second of my life go by shut down or holding my breath. I can feel it. Something in me shifting.
About 3 months ago something did happened. No big spiritual trip. I wasnt meditating under a tree for 5 days or doing yoga for 8 hours straight, which has been typical for me in the past as I struggled to find my sense of self. But something… and I can’t put my finger on when it was or why, but I stopped worrying. I stopped worrying about other people and if they were taken care of emotionally, if they were happy. I learned very young that If my Mother was happy then I would have a good day so have been doing that my entire life, no matter how much therapy I’ve had, can’t seem to get that programing out of my head. And now, today, this not caring or worrying is not in a bad way. I’m still me and still have more love in my heart than I care to feel on most days, but I feel that feeling of worry and the constant need to take care of everyone else’s emotions so that I’m comfortable, the one I have carried since I left my Mother’s womb has somehow magically been lifted and now I feel like I’m struggling to find my path again. Or just being okay without one. Which is fine. It’s great. It’s what I have been asking for and I am scared and I don’t know what comes next but I’m not going to hold myself back this time. And I’m going to be selfish with my time and give myself the space I need to find that creativity that has been lying dormant all these years.
So what now? I have absolutely not a clue but at the moment so maybe I should post a recipe since this is a food blog in the end. A food blog with my constant mental barfing all over you.
So what has been happening besides my existential mid-life crisis???
I have traveling for 5 weeks. A bit of visiting family in the states and then a whole lot of work in California. I’m totally jet lagged and it’s officially 3:33am as I write this.
BUT… what I did come home to was a garden full of amazing vegetables and exactly what I need to ground myself after a month of heavy working, drinking and cigarette smoking. We have corn on the cob and artichokes in the garden and they are beautiful. Forgive the picture, it’s shit but I was too tired to do anything other than cook it and eat it.
No special recipes with these but sometimes simplicity is best.
Corn on the cob: Bring water to a boil and cook for 7 minutes. If you can get your hands on some Umeboshi paste or a umeboshi plum, spread that over it instead of butter and it’s absolute heaven.
Artichoke: I steamed this for 45 minutes. If you steam your artichoke it holds so much of it’s flavor you honestly need to add nothing to it. Though I do like to dip it in some garlic butter but today ate it as is. Honestly shocked that I still have taste buds after a month of cheese sandwiches, white wine, french fries and cigarettes.
And tomorrow… I’m off to Cyprus. Going to lay on a Turkish beach for a week and do a whole lot of relaxing, reading, writing and cooking.