Separation Anxiety, by Hilary

Monday, 18June, 2012

Separation Anxiety, by Hilary

by beckerich


It’s always hard coming home from a workshop.  I’ve spent the last 3.5 weeks in Cupertino, California with an amazing group of people.  We all get the unique experience about 3-4 times a year of getting flown from all around the world to launch a new product.  It’s like a bizarre arranged marriage with about 140 people who you are forced to spend every waking hour with.  We get up together, we have breakfast together, we work 10 hour days together.  We then have dinner together and when that’s over we sit around the shitty hotel pool having drinks together.

And we are from everywhere.  From  America (I’m representing my country and what a great example I am), the UK, France, Netherlands, Belgium, Italy, Spain, Catalan, Germany… and the list goes on and on.  We are all 5000 miles away from home and even though throughout the whole thing we are all homesick we all have the personalities that are somehow drawn to this lifestyle.  We miss our homes, our own beds, our partners, our friends, our kids and our family yet we still keep coming back.  But regardless of the homesickness I love this amazing group of people and over the years we have all got to know one another really well.  Even if were not telling one another our deepest darkest secrets (and sometimes we are) we get to know each others personalities and moods and respect them.  It’s this magical bizarre other world, other life I live and even when I hate it I love it.

Now I’m home.  Jet legged, tired and not knowing what my body wants.  It wants to sleep, to eat, to watch a movie, no take a walk, hmmm… maybe just stay in my pajamas all day and pet my cat.  I don’t have a clue.  This confusing haze is nostalgic for me now.  Using my brain for what it’s capable of at the moment and thinking back to the three weeks I just spent in California.  Allowing myself to feel the separation anxiety that I am also used to but still, feeling that sense of loss for my friends and for an experience that has passed.

I realize as I write this that I’ve basically spent the last 20 years of my life living like this.  I have always worked in advertising, I’ve always been a producer and have always been on the road.  Working with large crews of people under extreme circumstances for weeks at a time on location and it’s a common theme.  We all feel separation anxiety when we go back to our real lives.  I think it’s a combination of escaping reality as you would never live like you do in your real life as you do on location or at a workshop.  You would never eat the crap that your forced to eat as a home cooked meal is impossible and local wait staff becomes your new best friend. You would never drink as much but after working like you do all day, adrenaline rushing through your body and nothing to do for the next 3 hours before you go to bed, you sit and have a few drinks with everyone, some of us “workshop smoke”, we leave our normal routines and responsibilities behind and create new habits that we all will have to drop the second we get home unless we want to die an early death.

SO… now I’m back to my “real life”.  The one where I have to take responsibility for myself and my husband and our life here.  I have to detox and cleanse and exercise again and the 30 people who I tend to hang out with everyday are no longer with me.  And I miss them.  I know it will fade.  It will for all of us as it always does as we rebalance our lives back to normalcy.

I keep thinking I need to grow out of this.  I turn 42 in a couple of weeks and when am I ever going to settle down?  And then I remember, I have been living this way my entire life.  It’s who I am.  It’s basically a part of my DNA and when I’m done, I will be done.  I do feel it coming on though.  This last workshop was hard on me (and it was the least stressful one for me) but more importantly, it was even harder on my marriage.  My husband is getting sick of living in this house by himself. I also know I have had a dozen failed relationships because I have always lived my life this way (well… that’s one of the reasons anyway).  But I have always lived 2 lives.  I love them both dearly and I’m constantly torn.  Though as I was making my bed this morning, smelling my husbands scent on our sheets and smiling as I looked at my side of the bed and thought, I married a guy who gives me all the good pillows.  I need to stay home more…

So with that said, whatever any of that even means, as always the first thing I do when I get home no matter how exhausted I am is cook.  Cooking grounds me and helps me nest back into my home life that I love.  I am also back on my macrobiotic diet but am in desperate need of sugar as I’m weening myself off my daily intake of wine so decided to cook up some vegan macrobiotic peanut butter cookies.

Peanut Butter Cookies


3/4 cup whole wheat pastry flour

3/4 cup unbleached white flour

1 1/2 teaspoons aluminum-free baking powder

1/4 teaspoon sea salt

1/2 cup light vegetable oil

1/2 cup  peanut butter (natural and organic)

3/4 cup fruit source syrup (I use a combination of agave and maple syrup)

1 teaspoon vanilla


  1. Preheat oven to 350 F.  Line two baking sheets with parchment paper or brush with oil.
  2. Mix dry ingredients in one bowl.
  3. Whisk wet ingredients in a separate bowl.
  4. Add the dry to wet with and mix with a wooden spoon until it forms a smooth batter or dough.
  5. To make the cookies: grab one heaping tablespoon of dough and roll into a ball with your hands, flatten a bit and place on parchment paper.
  6. Bake until bottoms are golden, about 12-15 minutes depending on your stove.  MIne cooked in 10 so just keep an eye on them to make sure they are not burning.








{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

travellinlb June 18, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Uh…I was representing America too! What about me?


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